Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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