I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
