Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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