I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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