ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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