$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
