i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
