Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize