Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
