We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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