so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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