omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
