stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
