Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You just made me feel so damn special
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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