Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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