plz talk dirty to me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
