farters have to be the big spoon...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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