I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
