if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
