dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
