I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
