I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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