Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
