There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize