i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
