Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Randomize
