he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
