I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I need to stop coming to work sober
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
