I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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