so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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