My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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