Duck Duck Cougar?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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