A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
