My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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