ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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