I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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