i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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