Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize