it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize