There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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