What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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