I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
