Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
