i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
