She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
