just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
