i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
