I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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