Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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