At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
