Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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