a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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