so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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