i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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