your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
