Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
