Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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