We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
