This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I could make wine with my vomit
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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