I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
