I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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