there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
