One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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