Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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